On Saturday morning, Jiang Mu surprisingly woke up before the alarm went off. Even San Lai was a little surprised by her unusually energetic behavior. But Jiang Mu was full of energy, wearing an expression that suggested she was ready to tackle big projects.
Even when she arrived at school, she was unusually active, a stark contrast to her usual laid-back demeanor. She maintained this state of energy and focus all the way until she returned in the evening.
However, when she saw Jin Qiang sitting at the entrance of the car repair shop, Jiang Mu instantly deflated.
Jin Qiang knew that Jiang Mu usually finished her evening self-study late and didn’t want to disturb her studies, so he specifically waited until Saturday to look for her.
When he saw Jiang Mu, Jin Qiang stood up with a smile and said, “You’re back? Put your things down, and let’s go eat.”
He then turned to call out, “Chao, see if there’s a restaurant nearby, find a place for us.”
Jin Chao handed the testing instrument to Xiao Yang, gave a few instructions, and then led them to a small, popular restaurant. The owner was a familiar acquaintance of Jin Chao, and even though it was peak mealtime with many customers, they were still able to get a quiet corner by the window.
Jiang Mu and Jin Qiang sat facing each other, while Jin Chao moved a chair and sat at the other side of the table. The waiter handed the menu to Jin Qiang, who pushed it toward Jiang Mu and said, “Take a look and see what you want. Order more if you’d like.”
Jiang Mu lowered her gaze to the menu but didn’t take it. Strangely, the person in front of her was her father, yet she couldn’t feel the same natural ease she usually did around family.
Seeing she didn’t make a move, Jin Chao took the menu and ordered a few dishes himself.
Jiang Mu kept her head lowered, and Jin Qiang, feeling somewhat awkward, glanced at Jin Chao, seemingly unsure of how to speak. Jin Chao’s expression remained calm as he picked up the teacup and poured tea for both of them.
The nights in Tonggang were growing longer, and after the sunset, the air carried a slight chill. Jiang Mu held the teacup in her hands to warm them, hearing Jin Qiang rambling, “Your mother must have often complained about me in front of you over the years, right?”
Jiang Mu didn’t answer. It seemed like no matter how she responded, it wouldn’t feel quite right. Indeed, whenever Jiang Yinghan mentioned Jin Qiang, she often did so with sarcasm, but more often than not, she wouldn’t mention him at all.
Jin Qiang sighed and continued, “If you resent me, or blame me, it’s fine. Over these years, I haven’t really taken any responsibility. When we left, you were still young, and there were many things you didn’t understand.”
Jiang Mu couldn’t refute him. Her only impression was of her parents frequently arguing. But when they weren’t arguing, the atmosphere in the house felt even more suffocating. Especially after she started elementary school, she became more sensitive to their relationship.
Sometimes, when Jiang Yinghan and Jin Qiang fought, they would purposely shut the door, but it didn’t hide the turbulence within the house. She would sit in the living room on a small stool, crying quietly in fear. Many times, it was Jin Chao who pulled her into a room, handed her a pair of headphones, and told her to listen to music. At the time, she didn’t understand why, but now, looking back, she realized that Jin Chao didn’t want her to hear the shouting, accusations, and insults.
For a long time, Jiang Mu felt that perhaps only Jin Chao understood her, that they shared the same fate. He was the only one who understood her feelings, the confusion, helplessness, and fear regarding her parents’ relationship. Jiang Mu couldn’t help but glance at Jin Chao. He met her gaze and looked up, his eyes reflecting a familiar warmth. Perhaps it was that warmth in his eyes that made her when she thought back to those times, realize that not all of it was filled with sadness or pain.
The waiter brought out a plate of boiled fish, breaking the silence. Jin Qiang spoke, “Come on, let’s eat, we’re all hungry, right?”
Jiang Mu lowered her head and silently began eating, while Jin Chao picked up her bowl and served her a bowl of white rice. The meal was eaten in silence, each person lost in their own thoughts, but at least on the surface, everything seemed peaceful.
There was a bowl of garlic on the table. After Jin Qiang put down his chopsticks, he grabbed a few cloves, peeled them, and popped them into his mouth. He then took two more and offered them to Jin Chao. Jiang Mu raised her eyes and silently watched. She realized that this method of eating raw garlic had never appeared in her home with Jiang Yinghan.
Jin Chao took the garlic but glanced at Jiang Mu with the corner of his eye and didn’t peel it.
Jin Qiang, while peeling garlic, remarked, “I know you have opinions about Aunt Zhao because of Xin Xin. The thing is, she’s always like that, her mouth is faster than her brain. She speaks without thinking, and it’s not just you, even Jin Chao and I often get lectured by her. Right, Chao?”
Jin Qiang looked at Jin Chao, seemingly hoping he would chime in with some calming words, but Jin Chao just lowered his gaze, playing with the cloves of garlic in his hand, remaining silent.
Jiang Mu calmly responded, “Then why did you choose her?”
Her words froze the atmosphere at the table. Jin Chao stopped fiddling with the garlic in his hand, and Jin Qiang was caught off guard, looking at Jiang Mu.
Before Jin Qiang remarried, Jiang Mu had always naively believed that her parents were still arguing, just this time more intensely. But one day, her father would bring Jin Chao back, and they would all live together as a family again. It wasn’t until she heard about his remarriage that all her hopes were shattered.
She stared at Jin Qiang, the first time as an adult that she had asked her father such pointed questions: Why did he leave her? Why did he build a family with someone else? Why didn’t he want her anymore?
Jin Qiang lowered his head, the wrinkles on his forehead exposed under the harsh light, making him appear much older.
Jin Chao put down the garlic and said, “I’m going out for a smoke.”
He opened the door of the restaurant, leaving the father and daughter alone. Jin Qiang hesitated and began speaking in broken sentences, telling Jiang Mu many things. He told her that on the day she was born, it rained heavily in Suzhou. He rode an electric scooter, holding a thermos on his way to the hospital. The road was slippery, and he fell. The congee inside the thermos spilled, and he was wearing a light summer shirt, getting all scratched up. But when he finally held her in his arms at the hospital, the pain from the wounds disappeared.
He mentioned that on her first day of kindergarten, she wore two high ponytails. They had expected her to cry for her mother, and they spent the whole night worrying. But when she went to kindergarten, she immediately played with the other girls and even said to him, “Goodbye, Daddy.”
He talked about how she loved pink when she was young. On Children’s Day, he took her to a shop to buy something, but they couldn’t find any pink items. She pointed to a yellow princess dress, and when the shopkeeper showed her a blue one, she liked it too. He ended up buying both. Later, they finally found a pink dress but lost the two dresses on the way back which was his entire month’s savings.
He mentioned the time she had pneumonia in her final year of kindergarten. Every afternoon, he would sneak out of work to carry her over a big hill to get her IV drip. On the way, an old man sold cotton candy, and she always had to have one. Once, while he was carrying her, she got cotton candy all over his hair, which was discovered by her mother when they got home.
He said that once, on the fifteenth day of the first lunar month, they went to see the lanterns. They saw other children holding various types of lanterns, and he wanted to buy one for them too.
Jiang Yinghan thought it was a waste of money, saying they could just buy one to play with. But he felt that if one child had one, the other couldn’t be left out.
At this point, Jin Qiang suddenly stopped, and Jiang Mu refocused her gaze on him. It seemed that she hadn’t really looked at her father since arriving in Tonggang. Perhaps it was the lighting in the restaurant, but she suddenly noticed that her father already had a lot of white hair. He seemed to have changed from the image in her memories.
Actually, she didn’t have many memories of her father. When she was a child, all she could remember was that her father was very busy, almost always working overtime. The money he earned from his hard work was handed to her mother. Despite that, they still often argued over money.
Most of the trivial things he mentioned she didn’t remember, but she did recall the lanterns. That time, her parents had argued about buying the lanterns. Later, her father held her in one arm, and with his other hand, he took Jin Chao to buy two lanterns: one of a little white rabbit, and the other of a dragon boat. When paying, she remembered that Jin Qiang had scrambled together a pile of loose change.
She gradually lowered her gaze, hearing Jin Qiang ask, “Did your mom ever tell you about Jin Chao?”
Jiang Mu nodded. Jin Qiang’s brows furrowed more deeply, and his voice carried a hint of helplessness, “After your mom gave birth, her health wasn’t good. I had to work, cook, and take care of both of you. Jin Chao was only about five or six at that time. At night, when you cried, he would get up, move a stool, hold the water bottle, and help mix the formula. He didn’t even dare to tell us when he burned his hand.”
Your mother always said that he is not raiseable. He and your mother were indeed not close. He would not stay close to her for no reason. In the first few years after he came to our house, he refused to call her “Mom” and would not tell her what happened at school. But after you were born, he has been trying to be nice to you. Why? Because your mother only has eyes for you, and he, a silly boy, thought that your mother would accept him.
When you just started elementary school, you were naughty and climbed on Xiao Chao’s legs downstairs to play, and rolled on the lawn with him. Your mother saw it and asked me to take you upstairs and scolded Xiao Chao for not knowing the limits.
Know the limits? He was just a child at that time!”
Jiang Mu felt like there was a stone stuck in her throat when she heard this. She looked up at Jin Chao outside the glass. The night wind blew on the street. A few dead branches and rotten leaves were blown by the wind and passed by Jin Chao’s feet. He stood on the roadside not far away, lit a cigarette in his hand, and the mist at night made his figure a little blurred.
Jin Qiang held the garlic in his hand with a gloomy expression, “You asked me why I chose Aunt Zhao, I can’t answer, but living with her, I won’t be disliked for eating garlic, I won’t feel that I have done something wrong because I washed the dishes but forgot to wash the pot, and I don’t have to remember to put slippers on the shoe rack, sneakers in the shoe cabinet, and leather shoes on the balcony.
Although Xiao Zhao doesn’t treat Jin Chao as her own son, she won’t ignore him. Before going out today, she told me that the weather is getting cold, and if you don’t want to go back with me, see if you have enough clothes to wear…”
…….
“Your dad has never even sent me a bouquet of flowers, so how could he remember any holidays? He just takes off his clothes and throws them around. He doesn’t even notice when the floor is cleaned right at the door. Every time it rains, he still wears his shoes and steps inside, leaving mud all over the doormat. I’ve told him a thousand times not to put ginger in the stir-fried shredded potatoes, and not to put garlic in the vegetable soup. He’s like playing the piano to a cow…”
Jiang Mu could still remember her mom’s occasional remarks about her dad. Jiang Yinghan was a meticulous woman. Her hair was always neatly styled, the house changed flowers every week, the table mats were a fresh blue, and everything had its designated place. To her, Jin Qiang was a destroyer, always going against her.
This was Jiang Mu’s first time seeing her parents’ relationship from another perspective. Were they wrong? It seemed like neither of them was at fault, yet the outcome was like this…
Jin Chao had already settled the bill in advance. When they left the restaurant, he tossed his cigarette butt away. Jin Qiang finally said to Jiang Mu, “It’s not appropriate for you to stay there.”
He stopped speaking just before Jin Chao walked over and instructed him, “I’ll leave now. Take your sister home early.”
The way Jin Qiang emphasized the word “sister” seemed to unintentionally remind someone of something, but Jiang Mu didn’t pay much attention, while Jin Chao lowered his head in acknowledgment.
On the way back, the streets had already become quite deserted. They walked along the street toward the car, with Jin Chao taking a step away from her and asking, “Did Jin Qiang ask you to go back and stay?”
Jiang Mu responded with a soft “Mm.”
“Have you decided?”
Jiang Mu stepped on the dry leaves beneath her feet, making a crunching sound, and replied, “No, I told him I’d think about it some more.”
When there were no more dry leaves underfoot, she jumped onto the curb and suddenly asked, “What do you think happened to Jin Xin at school?”
The night was thick with darkness, and the streetlights cast blurry shadows. After a moment, Jin Chao replied, “The most serious incident was when several fourth-grade boys shoved her into a trash can. She couldn’t climb out and nearly suffocated.”
Although Jin Chao brushed it off with a single sentence, it shocked Jiang Mu deeply. She had never imagined that 8-year-old Jin Xin had been the victim of bullying. Suddenly, it made sense why Jin Xin had lied that time, why she had panicked and smashed her learning device when Jiang Mu found out, and why she had lost control when she heard her mother’s name. It was because she was afraid of school, afraid that others would notice she could solve those problems and send her back to school. Before this, Jiang Mu had never considered that the girl’s strange behavior, resistance, lack of cooperation, and oddities were all ways of avoiding the outside world.
Gradually, her brows furrowed, and she asked, “When did you find out?”
“Three months ago.”
“Did Aunt Zhao know?”
“She knew Jin Xin didn’t want to go to school, but she didn’t know that Jin Xin had deliberately made the teacher suspect she had an IQ problem.”
“Did you not tell them about it?”
Jin Chao replied, “Xin Xin’s learning ability isn’t the problem. The issue is her fear of social life. If I told them, they’d force her to adapt, but I don’t think that’s the best way to solve the problem. You saw her behavior that day. I’ll try to convince Jin Qiang to take Xin Xin to see a psychologist, but they always think it’s no different from admitting she’s mentally ill, so they’re resistant to it.”
Jiang Mu noticed that when Jin Chao mentioned Jin Qiang, he always used his name. She hadn’t heard him refer to him as “Dad” even once since he came over.
Wondering if she was overthinking it, she tentatively asked, “Are you doing okay living with them?”
Jin Chao only gave a faint smile, “What does ‘okay’ mean? What does ‘not okay’ mean?”
“What does it feel like living with them?”
Jin Chao watched her as she wobbled on the curb, and, worried she might lose her balance, he took a step back, and stared at her intently, “What do you mean by ‘what does it feel like’?”
“Do you find it hard to adapt? Or… after Jin Xin was born, did you feel out of place?”
Jin Chao shoved his hands into his pants pockets, and his expression indifferent, saying, “It’s fine.”
Jiang Mu suddenly stopped walking and stood on the curb, looking at him. “What do you mean, ‘it’s fine’? Don’t you think it’s awkward?”
Jin Chao stopped walking too. Although she was standing higher, she was still a little shorter than him. She looked at him, hoping to find some kind of resonance, but all she heard was Jin Chao’s voice saying, “I’ve gotten used to it.”
These simple words left Jiang Mu in a daze. Accompanied by the chilly night breeze, she couldn’t help but shiver. She suddenly forgot that if she had only experienced this feeling once, she wouldn’t have been able to bear it. But Jin Chao had experienced it twice.
The first time she came into this world was when she took away all the love Jiang Yinghan had for her and the attention Jin Qiang originally gave to him. The second time was when he followed Jin Qiang to this home and went through it all over again.
The simple words “I’ve gotten used to it” echoed in Jiang Mu’s ears, like a heavy stone falling into a lake, making a dull sound and sending out ripples that wouldn’t settle.
She stomped on the dry leaves beneath her feet, venting some unspoken frustration. Jin Chao spoke to her, “How old are you? Get down.”
But Jiang Mu didn’t listen to him. Like walking on a balance beam, she continued along the curb until it broke off at one end, forcing her to stop. Jin Chao thought she might come down and just walk normally, but instead, she said, “I want to jump over.”
Jin Chao looked at the distance on the curb ahead and reminded her, “You won’t be able to jump over.”
Jiang Mu glanced at him sideways, “Are you saying my legs are short?”
A smile tugged at the corner of Jin Chao’s mouth, “That depends on who you’re comparing with.”
“Definitely not comparing with you.”
She refused to move, and he had no choice but to stop and watch her. Jiang Mu extended her hand to him and said, “Help me jump over. There’s a river below, I can’t fall into it.”
Jin Chao’s gaze shifted slightly. This childish game, she had somehow managed to play from the age of 8 to 18. He didn’t engage with her and walked ahead, leaving behind a sentence, “There are crocodiles waiting for you below, hurry up and fall.”
“Chao Chao…”
The moonlight was hazy, and the shadows of the night were blurry. He stopped in his tracks, his deep eyes stirring like a rippling pool. He turned around and looked at her, “Are you acting coquettishly with me?”
Jiang Mu kept laughing, and he pointed at her, warning, “You’re not 8 years old anymore. This trick doesn’t work.”
Jiang Mu raised both hands toward him, lifting her chin to show her determination to jump, looking at him with a confident expression as she said, “You wouldn’t let me feed the crocodiles, right?”
Without waiting for a response, she truly jumped, closing her eyes in mid-air. She needed a gamble to make a decision, a decision that was incredibly important to her.
Just as her body began to fall, a pair of hands caught her. The curb across was too narrow, and even if she had managed to jump over, she might not have been able to steady herself. Jin Chao almost gently placed her on the curb before releasing his grip.
When Jiang Mu opened her eyes again, there was a gleam in them. She looked at Jin Chao and said, “I’ve decided.”
Jin Chao laughed lightly, “Decided to feed the crocodiles?”
“Something like that. I’ve decided what major I want to pursue in the future.”
Jin Chao raised his eyebrows slightly, “Did you just decide that?”
Jiang Mu’s eyes were filled with bright excitement as she nodded at him.
“…Well, that’s really casual. Get down.”
After saying that, Jin Chao turned and walked ahead. Jiang Mu jumped down from the curb and followed his shadow, her hands clasped behind her back as she asked, “Was it hard when you participated in the physics competition?”
“Not easy.”
“How did you study physics?”
“The high school material was pretty easy to understand, self-study university-level physics, and if I didn’t understand something, I’d ask someone or research it myself.”
“Do you think I can learn it well?”
Jin Chao suddenly stopped, turned around, and glared at her, “Are you planning to participate in a competition?”
Jiang Mu quickly waved her hands, “No, no, no. I know my limits. I just need to improve in physics and chemistry. If I want to pursue that direction in the future, I’ll need to refine my skills.”
Jin Chao’s eyes hinted at a faint smile as he commented, “It’s difficult. You’re not even familiar with the existing formulas or the combination of numbers and shapes.”
“Well, you can teach me.”
Jin Chao stood still, his sharp gaze softening slightly at the edges. He didn’t agree, but he didn’t refuse either.